Julia Hartley-Brewer wipes her arse on live kittens, sources say

It was revealed today that Talk Radio gobshite and far-right hatemonger, Julia Hartley-Brewer, wipes her arse on live kittens before giving her balloon knot a wash in a bidet filled with orphans’ tears. The revelations, from anonymous and completely unverified sources, were later confirmed by Karen off Facebook’s Auntie Pat, who works with someone whose … Continue reading Julia Hartley-Brewer wipes her arse on live kittens, sources say

Jo Swinson ‘well up for a bit of mass murder’

Liberal Democrats leader, Jo Swinson, confirmed last night that she is totally fucking down with the idea of indiscriminately murdering millions of defenceless civilians in a colossal fucking fireball. In addition to the instant vaporisation of millions of men, women and children, Ms Swinson was also quick to state that she'd be totally chilled about … Continue reading Jo Swinson ‘well up for a bit of mass murder’

“My only problem is a surplus of decency,” argues suspected child rapist

A man suspected of raping underage girls argued last night that he continued his friendship with a man proven in a court of law to have raped underage girls because he was simply too principled to end his association with the aforementioned nonce. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, but who we … Continue reading “My only problem is a surplus of decency,” argues suspected child rapist

Outrage as Jeremy Corbyn suspected of not having ‘LEST WE FORGET’ tattooed along the top of his cock

Jeremy Corbyn sparked fury today as it emerged that he was vanishingly unlikely to have any kind of statement supporting Our Brave Lads And Lasses indelibly marked into the north-facing portion of his old chap.  According to an exclusive report by the Daily Express, the words ‘lest we forget’ do not appear anywhere along the … Continue reading Outrage as Jeremy Corbyn suspected of not having ‘LEST WE FORGET’ tattooed along the top of his cock

Man who has trouble predicting entirely predictable things somehow still alive

It has emerged today that a man who is unable to foresee the most obvious shit imaginable has somehow managed not to die, despite his prolific and unrelenting stupidity. Rod Purley, an irredeemable twat who makes a living running the BBC into the fucking ground, has somehow managed to remain not deceased for a period … Continue reading Man who has trouble predicting entirely predictable things somehow still alive