‘Looking after our own’ does not include feeding hungry children, insist racists

People who have spent decades howling about the need to slash foreign aid budgets on the basis that ‘charity begins at home’ were united today in the opinion that feeding hungry children in the UK does not satisfy their definitions of ‘charity’ or ‘at home’.

As schoolchildren across the nation face the prospect of a summer holiday without their nutritional needs being met, the heartless fucking ghouls who inhabit the comments sections of Daily Mail articles were immovable in their belief that hunger is both ‘character-building’ and ‘not the problem of the UK taxpayer’, despite the fact that six weeks ago they were enraged to the point of incontinence about the prospect of ‘sending money overseas when people need help in this country’.

The intervention of black footballer, Marcus Rashford, who has asked the government to reconsider their stance, has served only to enrage these definitely-not-racist individuals further, though this elevated anger has nothing to do with him being black, because none of these people are racist.

“Michael Ratchford needs to stick to bloody football and stay out of politics,” railed Denise, a Karen from The Cotswolds.

“People shouldn’t have children if they can’t afford to look after them, and it’s utterly inconceivable that a person’s financial circumstances might change after they have started a family, in response to, say, a global pandemic that shuts down the country’s economy and causes hundred of thousands of jobs to disappear.”

Darren Twatt, a chartered surveyor who has spent the past fortnight tweeting ‘ALL LIVES MATTER’, agreed:

“I don’t see why my taxes should be used to ensure that vulnerable young people who have no control over their family’s income are properly fed. That is the job of the parents, and if they are too feckless and work-shy to provide for their children, it is only fitting and correct that those children should suffer as a result.”

Following Rashford’s plea to the government to ‘make the U-turn’ on their decision to allow children to starve, the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, issued the following statement:

“Lol, he’s having a fucking laugh, isn’t he? I don’t even bother to provide for most of my own indeterminate number of offspring, so it’s taking quite a lot of the piss to expect me to provide for ones I care even less about than that. If people are worried about their kids lacking essential resources, the only reasonable course of action is for them to pretend they don’t exist.”

Forensic Labour leader, Keir ‘Forensic’ Starmer, hit back forensically, however, saying, in the most forensic way imaginable:

“We are committed to working with the government on their important child-starving initiative, but wonder whether, in the spirit of cooperation and cross-party consensus, they wouldn’t mind considering, if it’s not too much trouble, starving them a bit less.”

Episode 18

Max talks to ‘Tracy Beaker’ and ‘Dumping Ground’ actor, Connor Byrne, about ballet, musical theatre, snow penises, LGBT rights and, inevitably, coronavirus.

Contains frequent strong language.

Episode 17

Max talks to director, writer and national treasure Kathy Burke about lockdown, the theatre and the places he can stick the questions she’s bored of answering. Contains frequent strong language.

Episode 16

Max talks to infectious disease doctor and presenter of CBBC’s ‘Operation Ouch’, Dr Chris Van Tulleken, about the Coronavirus pandemic.

This episode contains no strong language, and is suitable for younger listeners.

Jo Swinson ‘well up for a bit of mass murder’

Liberal Democrats leader, Jo Swinson, confirmed last night that she is totally fucking down with the idea of indiscriminately murdering millions of defenceless civilians in a colossal fucking fireball.

In addition to the instant vaporisation of millions of men, women and children, Ms Swinson was also quick to state that she’d be totally chilled about the slow deaths of hundreds of thousands of others from the resulting full-body burns and nuclear fallout.

“We’ve positioned ourselves as the natural home of One Nation Tories,” Swinson explained, “and if there’s one thing Tories like more than anything, it’s lighting Johnny Foreigner right the fuck up.”

People with a sense of basic decency were quick to decry the comments of the ‘candidate for Prime Minister’, with many worrying that she might be some kind of dead-eyed sociopath.

“Who in the name of all shit just answers ‘yes’ when they’re asked if they’d deploy a nuclear weapon?” asked Jeff, a bookstore owner with an aversion to the gleeful slaughter of innocent people.

“I mean, obviously a flat ‘no’ would have been ideal, but there are a million, highly nuanced shades of grey between that and ‘of course I’ll lay waste to whole cities and their entire populations in a few seconds’, any of which would have been less likely to make me view her as a treacherously irresponsible shithead.

Sharon, a primary school teacher from Orpington, agreed:

“I dunno if I was more enraged by Swinson’s glib callousness or the interviewer’s characterisation of her response as a ‘brilliant, short reply’. Is this where we are now? That a one word, affirmative answer to the question of whether you’d commit untold atrocities is considered ‘brilliant’? Why the fuck are people like this?”

When asked to clarify her comments, the Lib Dem leader remained steadfast in her resolve:

“Did I stutter, motherfucker?” she spat, as she lowered her crossbow.

“What part of ‘yes’ are you struggling to understand? I will absolutely nuke the shit out of people who don’t deserve it if it makes me more popular with the type of unthinking tosser who believes that being tough is more important than not being an open fucking sewer of disgusting and problematic ideas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, these squirrels won’t kill themselves.”

Outrage as Jeremy Corbyn suspected of not having ‘LEST WE FORGET’ tattooed along the top of his cock

Jeremy Corbyn sparked fury today as it emerged that he was vanishingly unlikely to have any kind of statement supporting Our Brave Lads And Lasses indelibly marked into the north-facing portion of his old chap. 

According to an exclusive report by the Daily Express, the words ‘lest we forget’ do not appear anywhere along the leader of the opposition’s sexmeat, and he almost certainly hasn’t scratched all three verses of ‘In Flanders Fields’ into his liver-spotted torso with a kitchen knife.

Following yesterday’s Remembrance Sunday service, at which Mr Corbyn was dressed appropriately, fully poppied up and not apparently nursing a massive fucking hangover, attention turned to any other way he might conceivably have been betraying his naked contempt for our Courageous Troops.

Initial anger was directed at the flagrantly disrespectful angle of the soldier-hating commie’s head during the two minutes’ silence that traditionally follows the Prime Minister’s laying of the upside down wreath. Enraged onlookers reported seeing a disgusting two inches of available space between Mr Corbyn’s chin and chest, clearly indicating an obvious desire to back out an allotment veg-rich turd directly onto the steps of the cenotaph.

Wayne Pratt, an enthusiastic devourer of right wing diarrhoea from Ipswich, said,

“I’m fucking sick of this. It’s every year. First he wore a coat like he was some kind of 70-year-old man who needs to keep warm, then he wasn’t wearing the poppy he was definitely wearing, and now he shows up bowing his head at a perfectly normal angle like he’s thinking about defiling the corpses of servicemen. I’m definitely voting for the Brexit Party now.”

Sheila Sweals, who buys the Express for the TV guide and not the frequent outbursts of unconcealed racism, concurred,

“The cock thing was the final straw for me, to be honest,” she lied. “If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just show us? The very fucking least the marrow-scoffing twat needs to do now is have a six-inch wide poppy leaf branded onto each arsecheek, and even then, I’d still find a way to hate him for it.”

We approached Mr Corbyn’s office for comment, but his spokesperson said they did not wish to ‘dignify the allegations with a response’.

Which is almost certainly some kind of Marxist code for, “He’s in Normandy pissing on graves.”