Liberal Democrats leader, Jo Swinson, confirmed last night that she is totally fucking down with the idea of indiscriminately murdering millions of defenceless civilians in a colossal fucking fireball.
In addition to the instant vaporisation of millions of men, women and children, Ms Swinson was also quick to state that she’d be totally chilled about the slow deaths of hundreds of thousands of others from the resulting full-body burns and nuclear fallout.
“We’ve positioned ourselves as the natural home of One Nation Tories,” Swinson explained, “and if there’s one thing Tories like more than anything, it’s lighting Johnny Foreigner right the fuck up.”
People with a sense of basic decency were quick to decry the comments of the ‘candidate for Prime Minister’, with many worrying that she might be some kind of dead-eyed sociopath.
“Who in the name of all shit just answers ‘yes’ when they’re asked if they’d deploy a nuclear weapon?” asked Jeff, a bookstore owner with an aversion to the gleeful slaughter of innocent people.
“I mean, obviously a flat ‘no’ would have been ideal, but there are a million, highly nuanced shades of grey between that and ‘of course I’ll lay waste to whole cities and their entire populations in a few seconds’, any of which would have been less likely to make me view her as a treacherously irresponsible shithead.
Sharon, a primary school teacher from Orpington, agreed:
“I dunno if I was more enraged by Swinson’s glib callousness or the interviewer’s characterisation of her response as a ‘brilliant, short reply’. Is this where we are now? That a one word, affirmative answer to the question of whether you’d commit untold atrocities is considered ‘brilliant’? Why the fuck are people like this?”
When asked to clarify her comments, the Lib Dem leader remained steadfast in her resolve:
“Did I stutter, motherfucker?” she spat, as she lowered her crossbow.
“What part of ‘yes’ are you struggling to understand? I will absolutely nuke the shit out of people who don’t deserve it if it makes me more popular with the type of unthinking tosser who believes that being tough is more important than not being an open fucking sewer of disgusting and problematic ideas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, these squirrels won’t kill themselves.”