A Grimsby husband, who last week told his wife he was leaving her but who is now soiling himself at the prospect of living alone in a sticky-carpeted bedsit, has proposed establishing a ‘temporary sexual union’ to enable him to stay put without having to accept responsibility for having taken a massive metaphorical shit in his own bed.

“I’ve been thinking about leaving her for ages,” said self-indulgent prick, Graham Britton. “I’m not allowed to roll up shitfaced at three in the morning, she moans like fuck if I stare at her sister’s tits, and I have to spend the weekend at Ikea instead of twatting about with my mates.

“I thought I’d just have to look at another woman and she’d drop to her knees and start sucking, but it turns out they all require more out of a relationship than regular 5ml quantities of my cock custard. Fucking bitches.”

Under the suggested terms of the deal, Britton, 34, would remain in the family home for up to a further two years, and would be entitled to avail himself of all the sexual benefits associated with a normal marriage. This would allow him the opportunity to make alternative arrangements with other female humans so that he needn’t be without a vagina into which to ejaculate for any significant period of time.

“He can go shove a fucking cactus up his pisshole,” said Britton’s wife, Jean-Claudette. “And not one of those little cactuses you can buy for three quid in Sainsbury’s; one of the big, fuckoff ones that John Wayne used to hide behind. If he thinks I’m just gonna roll over and take his shit after he’s been telling everyone what a bitch I am, he can sodding well think again. The semi-potent, shrivelly-cocked twat.”

Despite this minor setback, Britton has insisted that negotiations pertaining to his self-centred and ridiculously optimistic proposal are progressing ‘incredibly well’.