Outrage as Jeremy Corbyn suspected of not having ‘LEST WE FORGET’ tattooed along the top of his cock

Jeremy Corbyn sparked fury today as it emerged that he was vanishingly unlikely to have any kind of statement supporting Our Brave Lads And Lasses indelibly marked into the north-facing portion of his old chap.  According to an exclusive report by the Daily Express, the words ‘lest we forget’ do not appear anywhere along the … Continue reading Outrage as Jeremy Corbyn suspected of not having ‘LEST WE FORGET’ tattooed along the top of his cock

Man who has trouble predicting entirely predictable things somehow still alive

It has emerged today that a man who is unable to foresee the most obvious shit imaginable has somehow managed not to die, despite his prolific and unrelenting stupidity. Rod Purley, an irredeemable twat who makes a living running the BBC into the fucking ground, has somehow managed to remain not deceased for a period … Continue reading Man who has trouble predicting entirely predictable things somehow still alive

Adopting a puppy not a cure for being a prick, warn researchers

Arseholes will continue to be arseholes even after the adoption of a small dog, according to research published today. A University of Slough paper states that traits such as disloyalty, misogyny and having hair that looks like you’ve just been fucked in a privet hedge by a 300 lb gorilla remain entirely unaffected by pet … Continue reading Adopting a puppy not a cure for being a prick, warn researchers

Straight Pride event a roaring success, insist sweaty virgins

Attendees of Boston’s first annual Straight Pride parade have declared the event a resounding success, as up to three dozen rat-bearded, sexually inactive basement-dwellers took to the streets to exercise their constitutional right to parade their toxic white masculinity in front of a bemused and much larger crowd of non-dickheads. The tragic cockfest unfolded before … Continue reading Straight Pride event a roaring success, insist sweaty virgins

“We demand the thing that will irrevocably fuck our health service,” say people with complex medical needs

People with dodgy hips who take five different types of tablets a day renewed calls this afternoon for the UK to commit to a course of action that will exacerbate near-crippling levels of NHS staff shortages and lead to a potential scarcity of vital medical supplies. The purple-nosed attendees of the Brexit Party rally in … Continue reading “We demand the thing that will irrevocably fuck our health service,” say people with complex medical needs

Farage launches ‘Ramble for Racism’ to fund new telly

Latex-faced Hitler enthusiast, Nigel Farage, announced exciting plans yesterday to march from Sunderland to another bit of Sunderland before getting in a bus full of other horrendous cunts and driving somewhere else. This ambitious project is designed to raise awareness of the fact that some traitorous elements of the British population are still betraying the … Continue reading Farage launches ‘Ramble for Racism’ to fund new telly

Literally everything more important than sorting out Brexit clusterfuck, confirms govt

The government today confirmed to concerned UK citizens that not shitting up almost every aspect of their already miserable lives sits at the very fucking bottom of the list of Conservative priorities, below ‘arsefisting the NHS to death’ and ‘inflammatory xenophobic posturing’. Following suggestions before Christmas that the parliamentary break should be cancelled or curtailed … Continue reading Literally everything more important than sorting out Brexit clusterfuck, confirms govt

Top Gear 2020 to be hosted by Mary Berry and an otter

BBC execs have today confirmed the exciting news that the 2020 series of Top Gear will be presented by Mary Berry carrying an otter. Following the sacking of steak-hungry producer-puncher Jeremy Clarkson, and the subsequent resignations of inconsequential sycophant Richard Hammond and that other prick whose sole contribution was to laugh at Clarkson's racism and … Continue reading Top Gear 2020 to be hosted by Mary Berry and an otter

World Cup ‘Totally Fucking Ruined’ By Female Pundits

The 2018 World Cup has been declared the worst thing in living memory by a succession of pitifully insecure manbabies whose testicles spontaneously wither and die like unpicked grapes at the first sniff of anything that even vaguely resembles sexual equality. This outpouring of misogynistic Y-front shitting began a week ago when it was first … Continue reading World Cup ‘Totally Fucking Ruined’ By Female Pundits