Jo Swinson ‘well up for a bit of mass murder’

Liberal Democrats leader, Jo Swinson, confirmed last night that she is totally fucking down with the idea of indiscriminately murdering millions of defenceless civilians in a colossal fucking fireball.

In addition to the instant vaporisation of millions of men, women and children, Ms Swinson was also quick to state that she’d be totally chilled about the slow deaths of hundreds of thousands of others from the resulting full-body burns and nuclear fallout.

“We’ve positioned ourselves as the natural home of One Nation Tories,” Swinson explained, “and if there’s one thing Tories like more than anything, it’s lighting Johnny Foreigner right the fuck up.”

People with a sense of basic decency were quick to decry the comments of the ‘candidate for Prime Minister’, with many worrying that she might be some kind of dead-eyed sociopath.

“Who in the name of all shit just answers ‘yes’ when they’re asked if they’d deploy a nuclear weapon?” asked Jeff, a bookstore owner with an aversion to the gleeful slaughter of innocent people.

“I mean, obviously a flat ‘no’ would have been ideal, but there are a million, highly nuanced shades of grey between that and ‘of course I’ll lay waste to whole cities and their entire populations in a few seconds’, any of which would have been less likely to make me view her as a treacherously irresponsible shithead.

Sharon, a primary school teacher from Orpington, agreed:

“I dunno if I was more enraged by Swinson’s glib callousness or the interviewer’s characterisation of her response as a ‘brilliant, short reply’. Is this where we are now? That a one word, affirmative answer to the question of whether you’d commit untold atrocities is considered ‘brilliant’? Why the fuck are people like this?”

When asked to clarify her comments, the Lib Dem leader remained steadfast in her resolve:

“Did I stutter, motherfucker?” she spat, as she lowered her crossbow.

“What part of ‘yes’ are you struggling to understand? I will absolutely nuke the shit out of people who don’t deserve it if it makes me more popular with the type of unthinking tosser who believes that being tough is more important than not being an open fucking sewer of disgusting and problematic ideas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, these squirrels won’t kill themselves.”

“My only problem is a surplus of decency,” argues suspected child rapist

A man suspected of raping underage girls argued last night that he continued his friendship with a man proven in a court of law to have raped underage girls because he was simply too principled to end his association with the aforementioned nonce.

The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, but who we will refer to as ‘Andy’, said that he stayed at the home of a known sexual predator because it was ‘convenient’, as though he’d simply decided to order a fucking Deliveroo instead of going out to dinner, and not at all as though he was making a conscious decision to continue rubbing shoulders with a known sexual predator.

Commentators on social media responded angrily to Andy’s comments, insisting that people who don’t fuck children themselves are so utterly repulsed by those who do that they couldn’t bare to be in the same fucking postal code as one of them for more than a few seconds without stamping their knackers into a sticky red paste.

Beryl, a South Yorkshire granny possessed of basic morality, said,

“This cunt needs a fucking good shoeing. How he has the brass knackers to sit there and say that he slept under the same roof as a convicted paedophile out of sheer convenience is beyond my simple Northern comprehension. We should find the prick and shoe the absolute bastard out of him.”

Terry, a chartered surveyor who doesn’t think the sexual exploitation of children is a noble endeavour, concurred.

“I thought being a respectable human being involved looking after your family, caring about those less fortunate, respecting minorities and all that sort of shit. It never occurred to me even once that some entitled wankrag would try to make the case that it was in any way creditable to hang out with some scumbag who rapes kids. Unless, of course, they were also a scumbag who rapes kids, in which case a comprehensive fucking shoeing would definitely be in order.”

Andy, though, remained defiant,

“Look, he’s my fucking mate. How would it look if I said I didn’t want to stay with him, then proceeded to book into a hotel two blocks away? That would be such a dick move that it would violate every aspect of my questionable ethical code. When you think about it, that’s actually quite a lot worse than continuing to remain friends with a guy who ruined the lives of some untitled girls who weren’t even rich or anything.

Also, have you ever tried to book a hotel in New York? They’re really fucking expensive, and quite often have limited availability. All these wankers questioning my decision seem to think I’m some kind of royal motherfucker with access to unlimited wealth and influence who could book into the finest suite of any hotel in the world at a moment’s notice.”

Andy’s ex-wife, who wished to be identified as ‘Sarah’, backed her husband unequivocally in a tweet posted the following morning, thereby proving conclusively once again that there’s no depths these repellent dogfuckers are unwilling to plumb to protect their own.