BBC execs have today confirmed the exciting news that the 2020 series of Top Gear will be presented by Mary Berry carrying an otter.
Following the sacking of steak-hungry producer-puncher Jeremy Clarkson, and the subsequent resignations of inconsequential sycophant Richard Hammond and that other prick whose sole contribution was to laugh at Clarkson’s racism and say ‘oh cock’ a lot, producers of Top Gear have visibly struggled to settle on the future direction of the once-flagship show.
Their initial response was to set up a two hundred-strong presenting team headed up by unlikeable twat Chris Evans, as he engaged in a hilariously futile competition for attention with the hot one out of Friends. Following Joey’s effortlessly comprehensive victory over Evans, however, he quickly became bored of producing basically the same programme every week, leading to another enforced change of personnel.
Today’s announcement that some guy who once did quite a good cricket and the presenter of ‘Blind Date For Cunts’, Paddy McGuinness, would be taking over raised a few eyebrows, but it’s the succession planning for when that inevitably goes tits up that has created the most excitement.
A spokesperson for the BBC said,
“Look, people who watch Top Gear are basically morons anyway. All they need to keep them happy is a familiar face twatting about in a fast car while shouting barely coherent slogans like ‘mental’ and ‘epic’ every few seconds. That said, Mary Berry is a national treasure, and we are confident that she will bring all the right ingredients to the Top Gear experience in 2020. Make sure you stress ‘ingredients’, ok, because that’s really fucking clever.”
When asked to explain the thinking behind the otter’s inclusion, the spokesperson said:
“What the fuck are you talking about? Who doesn’t like otters? Adorable little whiskery bastards. What sort of fucking question is that anyway? We’re done here.”
It has been intimated that further additions to the team will be announced in the next few weeks, with Sir Trevor McDonald and that endlessly punchable cunt off the ‘Go Compare’ adverts among the favourites.