Unilever can sod off, says PM

Theresa May has today reacted with indifference to the news that the consumer goods giant Unilever will move its corporate headquarters to Rotterdam.

In a statement, Mrs May described Marmite as being ‘fucking horrible’ and said that Dove soaps and shower products ‘make your coochie itch’.

She continued, “I bought a Magnum last year to cool myself down after I’d had a little run through some wheat fields, and as soon as I bit into it a big fucking lump of chocolate fell off onto my dress. If that’s the kind of shit they’re peddling, they can piss off.”

While some have expressed concern about what this says about the UK’s attractiveness to large businesses following the Brexit vote, the Prime Minister was adamant that the move represented no real loss.

“I’m led to believe that the plebs enjoy something called a ‘Pot of Noodles’, but I’m reliably informed that the same effect can be achieved by adding strips of cardboard to a Cup-A-Soup, so they really need to stop their malnourished whining and get behind this.”

A spokesman for Unilever said, “This has absolutely nothing to do with Brexit. It is entirely coincidental that we chose to jump ship in the middle of your transformation into a petty, isolationist little island whose chief exports are imperial nostalgia and shouty racism.”